Tom Cruise - The man behind the man, but not in a gay way

Tom Cruise, most known for humping chair legs and kidnapping Katie Holmes, was murdered today when a reanimated L. Ron Hubbard tracked him down and bashed him repeatedly over the head with a replica Oscar Cruise had fashioned for himself out of Holmes’s bra wires. Hubbard publicly justified his actions by suggesting Cruise was a Christ-like figure and he had lived out his destiny. Sources close to Hubbard, however, complained Cruise had twisted Scientology’s teachings by implying it was secret club for repressed homosexuals who wanted their dates assassinated and disposed of immediately after coitus.
One source recalls Hubbard saying, ‘Jesus it’s cold in here, or is it the after effects of cryogenic freezing? I’m gonna kill Cruise…Hey is Burger King still that cheap? Are they beyond inflation or are they just savvy advertisers?’ Hubbard is in hiding now, rumoured to have burrowed a hole in the H of the Hollywood sign and is meditating on his next Scientological opus, ‘How I did it…if I had killed Tom Cruise.’
During Cruise’s highly successful and disturbing life he had a poor impregnation rate. He failed to knock up waif-like upright poodle Nicole Kidman, horse and broken-english enthusiast Penelope Cruz. Fortunately for Cruise, and the rest of Hollywood, the third world was invented for them. Hollywood is well known for being able to import physically healthy babies of a somewhat darker, but still sociably acceptable shade. Thankfully, there is a scheme for returning the favour to the grimy underworld of poor people and sending deformed and disabled babies the other way. A spokesman for this widely acclaimed system has said, ‘Yeah, we get healthy black babies, but they get white kids in return and that cancels out the disability…check out my flip chart.’
Some have said these imported products are merely status symbols and are discarded in later life. The truth is there is a contract made with the baby, who uses an adult to sign for it, being the new Hollywood parent, that states when the import comes of age it will be allowed to become a runner on a light-weight art-house movie starring a resuscitated Steve Buscemi. It is true to say, however, once the children grow out of being all ‘cute and cwuddly’ the parents find they tend to blend in with the other immigrants who cook and clean in their house. Angelina Jolie claimed that one of her older children went to wash up a cup in the sink and never returned.
Cruise finally figured out how to impregnate a woman. He realised punching her in the belly was counter-productive and decided to allow his co-star from the highly problematic romantic comedy Rain Man, Dustin Hoffman, to ‘have a go.’ First time out the bag Hoffman delivered a massive load and within a week Katie Holmes had hurled a strangely business-like looking baby into the next door neighbour’s, Angelina Jolie’s, swimming pool. Jolie is reported to have believed god was now finally delivering babies to her door. She realised her mistake when she saw the baby was a little too ‘Caucasian’ and ‘carrying a briefcase.’
It would be wrong to write an obituary of Tom Cruise and not mention his movie career.
Cruise became a very controversial spokesman for Scientology. He claimed hospitals were made of wood and penicillin turns people black. Thousands of people in central and southern U.S. died and a surprising amount of white liberals in Manhattan guiltily passed away.
Cruise’s legacy is one of developing a new method of acting, that of chewing gum and opening his eyes. He will be remembered for his strange pecks and employing a vast range of cobblers.