Celine Dion - If she were on the ice instead of Winslet, Leonardo would have fit

Celine Dion, the Canadian singer, who has inflicted much happiness on an ignorant nation, has died today, not on stage, but on a small boat as she tried to recreate the famous titanic scene where Leonardo Di Caprio tries to clasp a hungry Kate Winslet. Bean-pole Dion was being hugged by her morbidly chubby manager/lover when the dinghy capsized. Dion, nose shaped like Nissan micra, was caught up in violent undertow which dragged her deeper and deeper into the darkness and the rotten cold where sharks and piranhas tried to find a decent meal but were disappointed to find she had disolved into a vague, flower-scented, cloud, entirely devoid of substance or artistic relevance.

Fortunately, for him, stick-woman Dion’s manager/cleaner, Danny ‘Dapper’ Doppel, survived the terrible event, and is as we speak getting to work on a new Dion album, drawn from vocals taped during their lovemaking. Dion was able to spontaneously burp songs of remarkable commercial quality while maintaining her signature 'scorched earth' sound. He has obviously had to carefully edit the vocals as she tended to shout ‘Deeper! And ‘Not that hole! Only weekends!’ But sources close to this reporter, (my brother), have told me Doppel is planning to make a highly sexual rap album with a host of rappers willing to collaborate… Mr Mouse the Torturer has said ‘I have always wanted to split that shiny pencil in two, knowwhatimsaying yo, and this feels close to that, dog.’

Dion was most famous for jerking across a stage like she was on stilts and worbling inane sentiments about 17th century literature. Crowds went wild as they hysterically threw money at her, paper-clipped to brochures of affordable but well respected plastic surgeons. Until she died she never took the hint and we will never know whether she would have cleaned up her face and put on a few pounds. This reporter suggests any fan should take pictures of her and photo-shop her giant nose, her weighty over-hanging brow and chin that seems to be making a run for it.
Dion’s songs were highly successful. Scientists have done many tests on her music and discovered some of the sonic resonances have contributed to global warming. And yet we should remember she is a terrible person and her evil has infected society in many unseen ways. I will just mention cancer, aids and genocide.

So, how should the world, nay, history, remember this rat-faced elongated pygmy. Well the truth is history is an ever-changing ungraspable hologram, where the viewer changes events whenever he looks at them. They say history is written by the victors, and so who will speak for the oppressed masses? Who can capture a personality, a soul even? Life is a mirage, a mirror and a bad joke. I think, however, the most apt way to describe Dion is that she is awful, just awful.