Cinemas
No one will pay to have a hate-wank over Angelina Jolie in the cinema anymore. They’ll just bring their laptops and crack one off in the cinema lobby while singing ‘Rocky Road anyone!?’
Sex
There is far less sex because everyone is poor. No one wants to get fingered in Burger King near the deep fat fryer because it’s cheap and hot and Judy on chips is fitter than any girl you can get.
Foreplay
There’s just not enough time for it with all the poverty, I’m being serious now. Best thing is to get straight to the anal, pull out for a facial and sell the DVD to Chris next door who can get it projected onto the Tate Modern within the hour.
Nights out
Girls seem to be less slaggy, as if they’ve gained a more moral outlook, a grip on reality or something. They certainly refuse to swallow daddy’s medicine and fart it out their ass; a move I encourage all women to recreate before I give them a pap smear.
Fighting
Men, real men, men who fight in streets, on cars, around lampposts, on buses , outside homes, up the doorsteps, in kitchens, in bedrooms while shagging some poor girl who looks a bit like Alan Carr; these men are broke and tired and can hardly smash the buttons on the fruit machine.
Instead they talk, get know each other, appreciate each other’s sensitive side, discuss previous relationships, weep and wail, and yet yearn for the days when they had the energy to thrust the rim of a pint glass into their new best friend’s lovely face.
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